"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."
-Shel Silverstein
Or, in Biblical terms, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Why is it that as adults we often forget what was spoken just yesterday, but the words we heard in our youth stay with us forever? Even though I know better now, the old words (I'll call them rotten-babble) occasionally come back- usually when I'm accomplishing something good or hearing a beautiful compliment. I've worked hard to overcome the obstacles in my life and to disprove the rotten-babble, but I wonder: was I trying to disprove it to them, or to me? Am I still trying?
I was a homely child. Or at least that's what Sharon told the kids in my 7th grade math class. It must be true, I thought, because she should know- she's popular and an eighth-grader... they know everything. (It didn't help that I had the worst haircut ever, no boobs, and hand-me-down clothes which caused adults to sometimes mistake me for a boy.) Even years later when I blossomed and people would tell me I was pretty, I would think one of two things: They are just saying that to make me feel good. Or, that's nice to hear- somebody thinks I'm pretty... but that's just because they have never met anyone really pretty, like maybe... Sharon. Oh, please Lord... may they never meet her because then they'll know that I'm actually homely.
I was unlovable and a loser. Just ask K. Nobody would ever love me or want me forever. I was "skinny, had no skills, and had a kid. No guy wants someone with a kid- they want their own kid." Realizing I'd have to join a convent was pretty bleak news for a 19 year-old to accept.
There are times, when I'm hanging with hunky hubby and he tells me I'm his "perfect woman", that the old rotten-babble thoughts creep up and, just for a moment, I panic thinking he might someday realize that I'm really a skinny loser not worth loving.
I'll never make it on my own. K made sure of that too. A month before moving away to attend college, he stole my car in the middle of the night. "What are you going to do now?" He asked. Buy some better tennis shoes, I thought... but, defeated, I cried instead. Two years later when I bought my first "new" car, I remember looking out the window of my apartment, thinking not about the one that was stolen, but the one that was in front of me. I finally did it, I thought proudly. However, the next morning I ran back to the window to make sure it was still there.
I'll never succeed in a male-dominated, good-ol'-boy industry. "You'll do okay in sales only because you're pretty and you're dealing with men, but they won't ever take you seriously." So, let me get this straight: I'll never be loved because I'm not pretty enough but I'll never be successful because I'm too pretty?" And they say women are confusing.
After a relatively short time I was writing national contracts, negotiating multi-million dollar deals, and managing a large team of both men and women. Sometimes I would wonder, though, while tossing the rotten-babble around in my head: Am I being taken seriously? Are they signing this contract because of my excellent negotiating skills, because they trust me, or because they think I'm attractive?
Nobody will read your blog. "I don't get it... what's the point?" a friend asked in the beginning. The truth is, she loves me and had no intention of hurting me... she was just asking a reasonable question. As far as people reading my blog, of course I fear that maybe my mom will be my only reader; that others will find it stupid or be offended by something I've said; that I'll get hundreds of messages in my inbox regarding my typos. The blog is only a month new, so the jury is still out; however, when I sit down to write each article, I start with the question my friend posed... what is the point?
Like today-just in case someone actually reads it-what is the point I want them to take away?
It's the same today as it was from the beginning: this is the way life IS. I share my stories so you'll know you're not alone.
"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." Ecclesiastes 1:9
You have heard the same can'ts, won'ts, nevers, or don'ts that have been and will be heard by many, many others. They will be heard again by me, and they will be heard again by you. When we hear it, or when the old rotten-babble seeps into our thoughts, we'll need to be reminded that, in time... "Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."
For more encouraging conversations with author, Rachel M Hills, please visit http://www.thewaylifeis.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment